cover up your scars

byeeeeee.

2006-05-27T11:49:48Z

so heres the thing. i made a new livejournal called 7_forasecret. it is a lyric from 'murder of one' by the counting crows and since they are my favorite band and adam duritz is my favorite human being ever - i wanted a counting crows quote. i am no longer a freshmen, so i have to get rid of this journal. spring semester i was barely hanging onto "freshmen status". i had 27 credits and you need 30. now i have 39 so im definitely a sophomore.
freshmen year = over. sophomore year now.

p.s. life is pretty much ridiculously crazy right now. fun and exciting and dangerous and stressful and fast-paced. brief recap of the last while: ello ker-ree, zees ees juhohn. shit! he is, isnt he? henderson?... cheng. HAHAHA. are you nervous? pretty much definitely. why are you having that done... if im not being too nosy? *stuttering silence* cheese sandwich supplies, mm. mission impossible dive. well thats what you get for sleeping with a stripper!
oh lordy. so much more. im pretty much having so much fun. and im pretty much worried that all of the sudden its going to go away. there are quite a few ways that could happen.

anyhow. eventually i will have an entry in my other journal and ill put the link in here. merelyfreshmen... you have been good to me. <3 to you. and to those who have read it. i say good day.

go ahead and throw your life away

2006-05-06T22:19:57Z

i wish i could write of all of the actual drama going on because its exciting and overwhelming and disasterous but that would be unheard of so instead i will boast. i have fallen in love. with 2 boys.
theres dylan walsh: hes got light hair, light skin and a shy smile that makes me melt. hes very affectionate but in a refrained way, private and adorable.
then theres joe incorvia: he has dark hair, tanner skin and the boldest, deepest eyes ever. hes extremely outspoken and can be a little ...jealous. he basically has me wrapped around his little finger, whenever he needs me - im there kinda thing. he is so freaking cute and he loves me in a loud, outgoing way.
joeys birthday is in june and dyl will be one in july.
yeah. i am positively head over heels for these two boys at my daycare. (oh please, as if i could have met a boy my own age, much less 2, i never go out. i work 9-6 and then babysit/do homework). i could talk about the two of them all day.
the way that joey scoots to me (he cant crawl and cant walk but has the GREATEST scoot ever) if i hold my hands out to him. the way that he cries if i leave the room, even just to go to the bathroom. the way they both erupt into a smile as soon as i come in each morning. the way that dylie goes "ah-ah-ah" on my arm.
just everything, i freaking love these boys. i wish that they were mine, honestly. joey is a little devil and dylan is an absolute angel. they couldnt be more different.
and i know no one cares but here at least i can feel like if i write it, SOMEone might read it, whereas when i talk about them people roll their eyes.
catrina is my coworker that got upset at me because i "stole" dylan from her. well one day i was telling dylan "i love you. youre so wonderful, i just love you." and she looked at me and says "he loves you too. you can tell." and i teared up. how pathetic/endearing of me.
i really do love these kids. and with all the madness going on, theyre my bright spot. i get to spend 8 hours of my day with these beautiful children that light me up. i think thats wonderful.
p.s. i like the other kids too. <3!

im being far from dramatic; dont assume.

2006-04-26T02:09:50Z

if i never hear the term "i understand" ever again in my life, it will be far too soon. out of the million aspects of this, you dont understand a fragment of one. but im not asking you to, so dont LIE to me. just fucking leave me alone.
you say "you see" but DONT AGREE you dont know
adam said it best.

same routine

2006-04-23T18:55:56Z

hell maybe we can just
pretend that this recovery wont depend on moderation
and in the end
the same routine wont leave me dead

april 19. flash forward 5 years, here we are. 100 lifetimes from that day

2006-04-20T03:34:42Z

r.i.p. mike
5 years
oh god, the whirlwind i could go off on. but i wont.
in short, love, i miss you. and your family is so strong.
they define amazing, id say.
<3

coming to bed so edible <3

2006-04-13T23:51:49Z

i am always enthused when i can recognize that a certain quote is going to represent a time period in my life. so woohoo for "american girls" by counting crows.
theres nothing but pills and ashes under my skin

but yet, every word describes me in that song. along with hard candy (cc again <3)
and my DIAGNONENSE? flu + double ear infection.
never had a more painful sick week and certainly NEVER a more painful vomit than last night. ouuuch. i had watched a dr. 90210 episode earlier where they were basically ripping her face off to make her "pretty" (gross. i just watch that show for the skinny wife. i watch it once every year or so). my vomit reminded me of that procedure. the way that the muscle was ripping away from the body. i felt like the insides of my belly on either side were touching. i had no food in me and my throat is "painfully swollen" as the doctor put it. in short, it was ba-a-a-a-ddddd.

i could go on about my symptoms but i shall not. and my keyboard is bugging me so im out. wish me well or youll feel bad when im dead.

boo hoo.

2006-04-10T10:56:50Z

in light of future events:
hickory dickory dock;
id love to ride your cock
hahaha, oh victoria, how i love you. i sang myself to sleep last night with that cheerful little rhythm.

so not an entry can go by without some form of complaining, eh? i think i have some merit to this one. im sick. rarrr. i hate being sick. since thursday, intensities varying i have been: unable to swallow because my throat was so raw, doing the smoker's hack (i dont smoke), wiping either nostril for 20 minutes at a time, felt my head dettached from my body in a balloon-y type way, had some sort of bass drum in my temples, AND FUCKING EAR INFECTION OR SOMETHING!!!!!
my ears are the worst. yesterday i poured an insane amount of hydrogen peroxide, and ear drops and used cotton balls and warm onions (?? to stop the pain jill said). it woke me up in the middle of the night because things would be exploding in my ear. id wake up, fighting tears and realize that "oh its just my ears again." i paced around jills house at midnight, 2:30 a.m., 5 a.m., 7:30 a.m. and finally awake at 9. anxiety rushes so i spent at least twenty minutes shaking my foot/leg nonstop as to calm myself enough to THINK of sleep. and now, the pain of the left ear (i couldnt hear! at all - it was echoing and distant and i was fucking hemingway - i had no ear!) has now magically transported to my right during the night. gorgeous.
plus im up at the crack of dawn due to homework that is due today and i have to work from 8-6. joyous. well, i love my job so its not that bad. but 8-6 in a daycare can do wonders to ya. its 7 so i better get ready.

my lj = bitching and whining.
sorry bout that.

world on my shoulders

2006-04-02T19:44:37Z

okay, so naturally after that enormous mental breakdown, its only right that my life take a dramatic turn for the worse.

pro:

i got a full time job at an insanely professional daycare

my shows on tonight

con:

parents

that job is 9-6 and nicole/hink say i cant use their cars. mike is going to take about 3 (million) months fixing my car. the bus is not even a direct route so id have to switch over and then walk a couple blocks in fancy clothes to get to my exceptionally professional work and then walk off in a field to catch the bus while the rest of the staff drives off in their nice cars (how many cons is that?)

my advertisement project is due tomorrow

i havent finished (or started) my job paperwork yet and theres about 20 papers to fill out

i start work tomorrow at 9 am and have no way to get there

jills mad at me and the only reason i know is because my dad was flaunting it in my face because NO ONE in my fucking family could ever be upfront about ANYTHING. absolutely EVERYTHING is behind EVERYONES back. no one is EVER real. and we're all horribly mean. dysfunctional isnt even the word

montco STILL has not cleared me because stupid lock haven didnt clear my pheaa until NOW (hello i left in december) so i cant register for summer courses and the course i want thats online only have 3 spots left

i have no one

no one can sympathize with me but EVERYONE pretends that they can. "i know how that is", "i know, it sucks." no you DONT know. everyone i know has their own car, and if it breaks down then they (rightfully get upset). I DONT EVEN HAVE THATTTTT! i want some fucking independence, i want to be able to have a life without building it around EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON AROUND ME, i want freedom ...and maybe a string of sanity while youre at it?

ive been stressing about it for the last 4 or 5 hours straight. not as bad as usual, but. now i have to go upstairs and see if its okay for me to take ONE of the cars to babysit tonight even though theyre not doing anything. even though I pay for the gas that THEY use. oy, im sick of the arguments. im sick of being in debt. i need out. does anybody else think that this sounds way too familiar?

dramatic, disgusting, 2 hour temper tantrum tear-fest

2006-03-31T18:10:38Z

so heres to enormous mental breakdowns erupting in front of a certain exboyfriend that was probably terrified, and well should have been. i had him searching frantically for tissues, withdrawling back into himself when i would snap at him for trying to make me laugh, rubbing my hair, rubbing my hand, rubbing my back - focusing too much on my shoulder blade, assuring me that he didnt think i was crazy "this is emotion. people are allowed to have emotion keri."
slight crying in the resturant, slight slapping of his hand that he reached out: please dont i said coldly. crying in the parking lot, ignoring his request to just slow down and give him a hug. crying hard in the parked car as he sat bewildered and trying so so hard to calm me down, to let me cry, to help me stop, to figure out what i wanted so he wouldnt infringe. crying randomly on the way home, and since i was the driver - scaring him when we approached red lights. sobbing in the house, twisting and turning and curling up under the blanket in fetal position. choking on my thick sobs and yelling at myself. he asked me if i wanted him to go and i accused him of wanting to go. (who wouldnt at that point?) he assured me he didnt, but felt that he was doing harm by being there. he didnt go. he rubbed my back and followed me out to the door as i tried to shove him out. he followed me back in the room and hugged me hard, forced me to face him. and i cried and snotted all over his shirt as he gently swayed.
i bawled on the bed and he curled up against me, trying his best to help. he became quieter as i became louder. piped in sometimes because he just cant resist giving advice. he waited with me with the ceaseless tears, muffled sobs, snot literally everywhere, small puffy red eyes, swollen cheeks, ridiculous hair.
i cried that i was just being dramatic and that it wasnt a big deal and "im fine, im fine, im being stupid. what the FUCK was i thinking? stupid stupid me. its okay, im used to pain. im sick of hurting all the time. my god, im fucking crazy. you dont have to take care of me. im not your mess to clean up. oh right and cause you care about me, sure. no im sorry, i know you do. im just throwing a stupid temper tantrum - why am i acting this way? im fine. just go for gods sakes! dont leave. no no, i mean go. im holding you up. im fine. i hate this. i cant feel this anymore. please go."
2 hours after the crying began, he finally left what was inevitably not going to stop. he kissed me on the top of the head because i refused to face him, i refused to hug him, i refused to be mature. i told him he could say he did volunteer work with the insane. tried to laugh it off.
he chose all of his words carefully and kept saying "stop blaming yourself." and "keri, get the world off your shoulders - youre trying to do too much. you cant possibly do everything." he told me i was beautiful and so smart and i have such a wonderful heart that i wont admit to but he knows me.
i have no idea why he would put up with this. why would anyone? god thats such a small fraction of my crazy and its way too much for me to say. man oh man.
well... cheers.

merelyfreshmen @ 2006-03-20T13:36:00

2006-03-20T18:37:05Z

believe in me.
help me believe in anything
cause i
i wanna be someone who believes

yeah.

they call me. they call me. mimi.

2006-03-11T17:53:36Z

i had a rent moment the other day. i was outside babysitting the bashaars and this one guy asked if i was their babysitter. i, of course, said yes. he then asked if i drove that big truck (red explorer) and i said yes. he asked how old i was and i replied 19. he looked me over a couple of times, and granted i looked juvenile that night: my hair was whipped up in that familiar, lazy way, i was wearing an oversized pair of jeans and a really oversized sweatshirt with no makeup (obviously) and beat up sneakers. so any curves or signs of being nineteen were hidden. he said to me:
"you look like youre 16." to which i felt the urge to respond:
"im nineteen, but im older for my age. im just born to be bad."

ha. ha. alyssa will get it. <3

wreck

2006-03-06T16:40:18Z

yes, my life is verging on trainwreck, or so it seems. i had an emotional/mental breakdown last thursday: big one. and today i just broke down, but only minorly.
so the next couple of weeks, i am booked up for babysitting. i babysit every single day in a matter like this: babysit 10-4:30, then 5-8. or school, then babysit 2-5, then babysit 5:30-8:30. that kinda schedule - its packed. and i have homework (4 midterms in the next week - YES! 0 of which im even somewhat prepared for). and thats fine, i could handle all that along with a social life and helping out both of my sisters AND visiting my mother because otherwise she'll claim i hate her.
all well and good. if i could just have a reliable car that i could use. so not only do i have to switch over jobs but i have to stop home in the middle of my 30 minutes to get from one place to another so that i can switch cars.
on top of that, i have a million doctors appointments which makes for plenty of gas money and copays and anything they prescribe.
PLUS i had to schedule 2 campus tours because i cannot choose between east stroudsburg and west chester. so im doing that the only day i have free: sunday. and i need to let them know asap. and THAT will be $100 to accept their offer PLUS i want to live in the apartment complexes that they offer so that will be $50 just to apply, even if i dont get a spot.
and oh the best one... my mother didnt get a warranty on my laptop because she said i wouldnt need one and if i did - i could just call then. well my charger wont charge it. and my laptop has my entire LIFE and more on it, so its not like i can go without. (including homework, not just personal stuff) and a new chargers costs? $100. oh fabulous.
AND the car that i was supposed to get (today, actually) fell through. the one ive been working towards for the last 3 months. oh yeah, WONDERFUL. so i am carless and powerless, yet again.
my mom has the brilliant idea... "why dont you just use your babysitting money?" good idea mama! except that already HAS A PURPOSE. it was supposed to go towards a car so i could actually get more jobs and make MORE money instead of just spending every penny that i made towards people giving me rides or gas money, etc.
i have been saving, really good too. god, i never go out. and the time that i just did go out - he paid for where we went and going to the diner afterwards (i swear i tried to offer). anyways, ive been paying for everything: i paid the $350 for my books, thats a good chunk of money gone. i paid the $150 that the stafford loan didnt cover for my tuition. i paid the $130 for college applications + transcripts. and i have a pretty decent sum of money in the bank now. its not that im NOT making money; its just that i have to keep using it.
and i suppose this is what i signed on for, but im not getting any of the BENEFITS of being independent - i just get the burdens. oh delightful. and when MY FATHER is actually telling you not to worry, thats when you know you're too stressed. (well YEAH dad, what do you care? YOU FUCKING HAVVVVE MONEY!) "so you dont have a heart attack." i know thats how im going to die. the way im going? healthwise? and all of my family history? i told you all id be dead by 30; it was just intuition, not pessimism.

so money is scarce, i have 102 things to do every single day and absolutely no source of reliability, dependability or stability. hm. sounds like my life.

march!

2006-03-01T14:28:07Z

woohoo, february is over.
and when i stopped by moms house yesterday she said "you look really thin."
and i lost another couple of lbs. yesss.

[[edit]] both of my forefingers are so chapped (from chewing on them + dry/cold weather) that they are split open. theyre killing me, but they look pretty cool - like theyre sliced to the bone practically. in fact my left finger is actually swollen from it. hmmm, maybe i should start using lotion or something

head. shoulders. knees. hoes.

2006-02-27T04:13:08Z

pro:

i just won 3 games of xbox monopoly against hink in a fucking row. i am the absolute master of monopoly

dan makes me smile and i talked to him today

i start my new job tomorrow with the brand new babbbby and hes so cute (and he has a wonderful name: ethan)

mark and i be's friends; we were being silly before

i fell in love on friday with a little dachshund and i was gonna name him benjamin and call him "benny boo boo... boo boo boo" from how to lose a guy in 10 days. in love, i mean it. i almost forfeited the car im hoping to get so i could buy him

dan said im making progress!!

i made $165+ this weekend alone... yessss

i bought something REALLY important and it should be here REALLY soon; im more excited than anything

im going to be cutting the cost for birth control in half due to good insurance

i got accepted into kutz

i listened to tick tick boom for the first time in ages; it made my belly tumble

ive dropped to the lowest weight ive been for probably a year*

i got to hang out with panky this weekend; he misses me

i indulged this weekend, a lot. and it felt good

i stole fruit from mom and dads house. mmm, bananas. mm, apples.

im currently without the desire to slip into oncoming traffic

februarys almost over; i hate february

i listened to dave chapelles "killin them softly" standup routine today. it absolutely kills me. i LOVE dave chapelle

con:

im usually like a week or two ahead of my geography homework and now im only about half a week

im looking forward to thursday and its only sunday

ive been having anxiety attacks like nobodys business

my back is raping me again

i have tedious reading and observation papers to write for social psych (due tues)

im gonna be wasting gas like mad this week because i promised matt id hang out with him in qtown and thats forever away + i have to drop off a copy of my insurance card at planned parenthood

*but its because im losing muscle. my stomach is way too soft

my hands are absolutely eaten up. scraped and broken and bleeding even. dry skin. ive been lotioning them constantly but i kind of like them like this? still theyre annoying sometimes

my heart (the actual organ) is feeling funny again. and dizzy. had to tripod pose again today for a few minutes

its verging on late and i have to wake up early tomorrow! NIGHT!!

i am covered in skin. no one gets to come in.

2006-02-21T05:04:45Z

i had to put on some colorblind; it just makes too much sense right now and i needed my heart to breathe that happy sigh to hear adams voice.

everyone tried to tell me that i loved him, but i didnt feel it. and i know im numb and pretty unstable so i thought maybe, if i could just feel then i would realize that i loved him. but i never did. if love were to theoretically exist, it should have been able to crack through my ~~shell~~ solider-guarded-security-system-activated-brick-chain-steel-wall. i didnt love him. i wanted to - that was the problem.
it scares me, ya know. can i love? 8 months of faking... 3 months of prolonging... can i love?
i wanted somehow for the night to end with a small form of endearment. i asked simply for a smile and he wouldnt. i left the car and we'll never see each other again. nicole asked me if i hurt him. i said i didnt know, and didnt care. i said it with no resentment in my voice and no bitterness in my tone. if its the end then the fact of whether he hurts right now is beyond my control. i tried to be gentler and he wouldnt let me.
never is scary but much more reassuring than every now and then. i need closure. we had nothing in common and it was a big gaping hole of nothing that engulfed me and i knew. i couldnt love him.
i was so scared while i was with him because i was afraid that i might be able to love him and that would keep me with him. i was afraid that one day i would know that i was in love or that my feelings were beyond sex and that i marry this boy - it terrified me. i didnt want something that left me so empty.
im so so empty and i wanted someone to just fill me up for a little bit. and his words and his mannerisms and the sentences that he said with love in his voice using pronouns like "we" and "ours" and the sex and the arms so tight and gentle and protective around my waist when we slept was shocking for awhile. but it still didnt fill me.
except for maybe with some guilt and some embarassment that i heard the way he talked and i heard his words and they sounded real, and the silence in me swallowed me. i had no excuses for why i didnt love him. i was afraid that if i couldnt love him then i couldnt love anyone. its not true right? maybe one day? maybe one day if love is real then i could love someone that wont rip me apart? and someone could love me and i wont make them regret it?
and even that is terrifying. because he didnt know me. i think my rawness scared him and that is so discouraging. he saw so little of what was real in me and even then it still made him think twice.
i hope hes crying right now over me, but after tonight i hope he doesnt ever drop a tear over me. i dont want him to be miserable. i dont want him to be bitter. and i certainly dont want what happened to me to happen to him.
"i loved you for what you were." he let slip and my neck immediately snapped to check if his eyes were real. thinking about it... he loved me for what i let show. granted, its more than most see but real love would have to be everything. i want to believe that it could happen for me, but its real damn tough.
anyhow, the end. whatever chapter im on lets the last sentence trail off tonight. i only have 7 minutes left. damn, 7 was his number. im not as sad as i sound. i have no question in my mind that ill be quite alright; ill be fine. honestly. but i have a hard time not equating this "failure" of the relationship to a "failure" in love in general.
i told him "i learned what i had to learn from you. i hope you learned from me." i do. i requested a smile outright and he simply said no. was he legimately upset or just pissed off?
i analyze mark, thats what i do. maybe i do it too much but im not ashamed of it. im not upset that i think and i read and i like it. im not embarassed that i dont have a new boyfriend because a new boy wont prove my worth. im not what you wanted me to be. im extremely flawed and dangerous and ridiculous but i dont regret it. im not sad over what ive lost - ill grow from it. im not entirely happy that we're completely finished but i understand and im glad that nothing is dangling. im proud that i can see the benefits instead of drowning in the enormous possibilities. im labeling my emotions because i cant feel them but i know theyre there.
i think ill miss it for awhile. but im positive that ill be fine. the end.

yeah yeah. you make me completely miserable.

2006-02-18T16:12:10Z

i was reading butchers entries and i found the stupid girls video. unfortunately, it just played a green video and refused to work. but the point of this entry is that the stupid girls that she speaks of will not know that this song is about them. its a good idea to bring it up, but now the stupid girls will be walking around singing this song and laughing in their high pitched voices and high-priced clothing. we're forgetting that theyre too stupid, ditzy and shallow to realize and admit that their lives are about absolutely nothing.
i hold a little hostility for girls like that. our standards for women are so fucking low. god forbid we have intellect or intelligence. our boyfriends will call us hermits and say we're too mentally focused. NO MARK, i just have a mind, sorry that all of your exgirlfriends were dumb as sacks of rocks. i refuse to stoop down to that level.

and on top of that, i downloaded the ringtone "miserable" by lit because i love that song. but it doesnt do the best part!
you make me come. you make me complete. you make me completely miserable
it stops after the complete. I JUST WANTED THE MISERABLE PART. motherfucker.
"because you hate everything that even hints at being romantic." no bud, i just find no reason to be romantic with my exboyfriend - valentines day or not.
what doesnt he get? fine, we'll be friends. its fun to watch you trying to restrain yourself. excuse me sir, remember that YOU are the one that provokes everything. ive outwardly told you that im not going to kiss you and you still do it. as for sex, i am a nymph and cannot restrain myself so dont leave the "should we have sex?" question up to me. YES is my fucking answer. take that as a given. unless, of course, someone tells me that i cant go one night without banging him then i will have to choose abstinence that night just to spite them.

im also obsessed with the song 'meet virginia' right now. mm.

aw i live with the notion that i dont need anyone but me

2006-02-18T01:28:45Z

funny little thing that defines my life: just as soon as i think things are getting good and things are kinda promising, they flip over to the other side of the coin. white to black. black to white. and back again.
might i add that as soon as i heard this quote, i got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing it would describe me one day: i took a shot and didnt even come close at trust and love and hope

boo. i just wanna be on my own. if im all alone, i might as well be on my own - then at least i wont be held back by anything or anyone. since when did i need anyone anyway? not for years. im all i have. i was right all along. and everyone was telling me to stop being so cold - i probably saved myself a good deal of pain. cheers to being heartless and cruel!

so take a look at me now.

2006-02-16T03:51:39Z

happy valentines day? i had a good one; mark took me out. and i talked!?! we later hung out with his friend matt, and its so funny to reminisce with mark. hes telling matt all these crazy stories and facts about me. its really nice to have someone special, that knows you in that way.
its also surprising on the flip side to realize how much you know about someone else.

on another note: this time last year i was at least 16 full pounds lighter. i was at one of my lowest weights. its depressing come this year. wow, i just realized that the difference between last year and this year is so enormous.
and i miss my lock haven loves and just that whole scene. i cant wait until i get my car (ive got a name for her and all! should be within the month) because ill be doing weekend trips to visit ame, and to go back up to lock haven, and to visit krisatin. eep, im excited.
plusss in more good news, sex toy party saturday, haha yessss. the last one was so fun.

im trying not to stress or overanalyze. but its tough; i feel much safer if im mean. nice valentines day though? WEIRD. next thing you know ill have a nice BIRTHDAY or CHRISTMAS... nah, thats stretching it. ha.
so there, he says, youre my valentine.

dont know why i like to carry on the way i do

2006-01-27T23:05:30Z

so it seems that i have to get my nipples pierced. mark challenged me the other day that if he got his done, i had to get mine. i agreed. apparently he got them done. bet 1. *bet 2 = too personal after reviewing the presented facts*
i realized that when we were together, i barely got to play the tease game because of my minor (?) addiction to sex. now im slipping back into the role of the tease, and im loving this game.
whoever said that gambling is bad for you is crazy.

how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment

2006-01-25T03:47:09Z

tonight mark treated me to tgi fridays. the discussion was too intense to eat, so i brought the whole platter home. i slipped into the mode that i so often did with him: severe defense mechanism. i shut up and shut down. as he so, surprisingly well, put it: married to your silence.

i ran to the clemens for nicole. the second i got in the car, mark and my song came on. an enormous bolt of lightning struck in the absolutely clear sky (i thought the power lines had crashed). it started snowing like crazy, i couldnt see out the window. looking outside the window now, minutes later, its completely dead again. no lightning; no rain; no snow. weird.
i feel all sorts of funny.

and a lot in love with early staind: such is life, so sad but true. kill everything thats close to you

stretched & torn, i lay here in pieces CRAVING ALL OF YOUR DEADLY VICES

2006-01-20T01:16:47Z

i guess i asked for the wrong thing. as icky as the grey is, i forgot that it IS an improvement over black. god damnit.
my classes suck, screw my optimistic view on being emotionally available. im SICK of continuous drama with mark. i have absolutely no money to my name and i have shit i have to pay. bills. and i dont want to ask daddy. im going to be working constantly when im not in school and i might be spreading myself too thin. or maybe ill be spreading myself just thin enough. i dont want any lapses in time, i need to stay busy, i need to stop this fucking pain.

spiral doesnt even begin to describe. fuck it. oh btw, i lost those 3 lbs. but i still fucking moo.
and its all anger. its all just so angry.

all the struggle we thought was in vain

2006-01-12T17:26:13Z

okay, heres a real entry:
i have issues with black and white. this is obvious and lately ive been in the grey area for nearly everything and it makes me feel uncomfortable and itchy.

mark. i know this is going to sound unreasonable, but fuck it because the rest will too. we're "friends". we chat on the phone, we "hung out", we're getting together sunday. and when we're together we act like we always did. but we're not, we're not what we used to be. and im stuck in the middle because sometimes i want it but most of the time i dont. i wanted to stay friends with him and now its starting to feel like a chore. i cant describe it. it doesnt seem right; the breakup was right, theres no bitterness so the in between would be friendship (with benefits) but even that grey doesnt fit.

weight. i lost a bunch of weight during december and i gained back 2 lbs and i was okay with it, due to obvious reasons. but i realized that i gained an extra 3 back. and though im not too disappointed for more obvious reasons, i still cant be happy about it. im proud of how im doing right now weight-wise and ive been doing pilates machine (ITS AWESOME) and going to gym when i can. but 3 lbs is still not welcome.

my parents. im supposed to keep to myself for awhile but i have been in touch kinda via telephone calls, emails and one quick visit yesterday. it is entirely awkward and uncomfortable. im unsure how im supposed to act/be because i dont want to raise anymore dust.

bryan. this sounds ridiculous but bryan wants to be my friend/hang out. ive always been on opposite sides of the spectrum with him. he was never grey. love or hate. and now i just dont care enough to hate him and i sure as hell dont love him. i want to be mature and so i do respond/talk to him. but i have no desire to be his friend. and i dont feel the need to hurt him like he hurt me. its not worth the effort. i told him before that us being friends had no point, etc. but we still talk. its not a PROBLEM, but it still makes me feel like im in the grey and again, i hate that.

my entire self. i dont know what i am anymore. this REALLY sounds dumb but i have little defining me. ive always been either very optimistic/bright/cheerful (6th-beginning of 9th grade, approximately) or very dark/pessimistic/bitchy (9th-12th+ increasingly). im just not hateful towards everyone, but im still not social or even one to enjoy being AROUND people. i was trying to explain myself somewhat to ahern today, and it was difficult. "and now i step out of the darkness that my life became." so im not in the dark, but its not light. its grey. i hate it.

jobs. im in between jobs right now. im doing random babysitting jobs and im not a fan of not being consistent. im applying at places and i have a full time job starting the 13th of FEBRUARY. but what about the rest of the month? i figure i can focus on school for awhile.

age. i jump back and forth between how old i feel. sometimes i feel like a teenager/college student but that can make me feel young and immature and kinda degraded. and other times i feel old-like because i dont party or go out often. i hang out with my older sister, and her two kids. a lot of the time, im caring for one of her children, just because i love them. and it seems like im always around some kids, i have numerous babysitting jobs and 2 sisters with bundles of kids. i feel like im always in charge, which is nice but also the responsibility seems premature. besides these kids arent mine, so its not like i can take pride in my wonderful children. at the end of the day, im still just an aunt. im not mama and im not a stranger, im in between. im in between age (thats not the right word). its icky.

even religion! i was lutheran. and then i was agnostic. and now i just dont know. i mean, i feel like its not fair to only be religious when times are hard and i basically turned my back to everyone/everything when i was really bad off. i know everyone would say that god doesnt care, Hes still there. but i cant feel anything so i dont feel like he is. but i know that ive gotten through some difficult shit and i have a lot to be thankful for. i just dont know who to thank. im not religious and i really dont care to be, but i feel like someone deserves some credit.

music. this is very petty, but im not obsessed with anything. i feel like ive listened to all the music i like to the point where i dont get excited about songs anymore because ive heard them all recently. i want to fall in love with a new band. or even a new song. everythings dull.

jesus, even the WEATHER is in between.

cant anything help me out here? im losing grips. its getting frustrating. i hate in between. remember, it doesnt exist?

we are never broken.

2006-01-12T16:46:00Z

i dont think ive outwardly said my plans. this semester im living with nicole and going to montco. i am excited.
so yesterday, i was hanging out with my patrick and my char and i always play songs for charlie. so i put on cold. and patrick started saying "tel-phone! tel-phone!!" and nicoles like "hes saying telephone." and i turned to him and like "my god, patrick youre RIGHT. this IS my song for the telephone." its my ringtone, how brilliant is he?

also, i would like to mention charlie donut. everytime that i want to get her to settle down or smile or sleep, i put on counting crows. she absolutely adores them. i always say "hey donut, you want some adam?" her favorite songs so far are colorblind and anna begins. have you ever heard of a (less than) TWO MONTH old having that good of taste?

and finally, yesterday i was listening to accidentally in love and nicole was saying what it reminded her of and i said "it reminds me of being in the car with mark one time and i would always freak out when the song came on. and so i blared it, of course, and he was like "wait wait wait, this song is about LOVE, you cant like this song." and i said 'no, its okay, because its COUNTING CROWS.'" and nic was like "anything adam says is true in my book!" and i was like "yep! if he was a CULT LEADER, id be right behind him with the kool-aid."

haha, its usually a blast in the hinckle household.
in other news, the family leaves for disney today. party anyone? just kidding. but i do have some plans that HOPEFULLY does not raise any drama. i just wanna watch my napolean.

alrighty, byyyyyye. p.s. i hope this semester at montco is as awesome as last one.

looking back on 2005

2006-01-02T14:09:18Z

i did these on December 30 and im posting them for your viewing and stealing pleasure. here:
Simple Looking Back on 05
2005 Story
TOD Review

everytime she needs to do the things to fill the void inside of her

2005-12-30T21:32:32Z

there are no words to describe the fight today between my parents and me. i actually laid shit out on the table (barely, very briefly). i completely regret it. i should have just done what i planned to do for the rest of my life and just suck it up, deal with it until either they die or i die. i know that sounds terribly pessimistic, but they will never change. and i cant emphasize that enough, even my therapist says that theyre not going to be the ones to change so i have to make the adjustments as best i can. but i tried, to OBVIOUSLY no avail. it was so eye-opening as to what my world used to be and how i could never go back to that. im so glad ill never have to go back to what it was and what i was.
and i honestly believe that they believe what they say, and that they dont mean to be as damaging and malicious and manipulative and many other bad things that could describe them, but they are so relucant to realizing the problem(ssssss) because it would be admitting that they didnt do things perfectly. and in a family that values appearance over anything else, that is a fate worse than death. i shouldnt have opened my mouth. i know better than that.
charlie is in the hospital. charlie, my ONE MONTH OLD niece, is in the hospital for respiratory problems. she'll be okay im sure but its still very nervewracking and scary.

so how did this whole enormous crash-and-burn fight begin? im living with nicole this semester and going to montco, which is extremely exciting for me. i really liked montco and i like my schedule. im going to get a job and get some income and ill save $11,000 on tuition for this ONE semester. plus, my credits will all transfer and itll be only 2 colleges on my transcript instead of 3.
happy and healthy my ass. im not fucking happy. im nowhere near healthy. you want me to APPEAR happy and healthy. i know how fucking good i am at it. ive been learning that lesson for a good 19 years.
i just have to remember that i got through the last painful 7 years with the excruiating past 4 years and i can do it. i didnt want the truth to ever be that close to their ears. mazes and treasure hunts and locked doors/diaries/mouthes have always been my salvation.

know what i found funny though? even my mom noticed that i always run away. because i cant open up. because i cant commit. because i cant be vulnerable. because i cant be human. ...but im healthy, right mom? and jesus, thats only the beginning.